The only way
I can hurt her
is to never
see her again.
Except
it will hurt me
even more
than her.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
I want you
I want you.
Not for your beauty. Time has passed. Your image has faded. And I’m not sure if you were ever really beautiful. Or whether it was my love that made you so.
Not for your body. It has become far too common a currency since it belonged to me. I do not desire that which is not exclusive.
Not for your intelligence. Your knowledge and creativity were always too narrow for compelling conversation.
I want you.
But only because I cannot have you.
Not for your beauty. Time has passed. Your image has faded. And I’m not sure if you were ever really beautiful. Or whether it was my love that made you so.
Not for your body. It has become far too common a currency since it belonged to me. I do not desire that which is not exclusive.
Not for your intelligence. Your knowledge and creativity were always too narrow for compelling conversation.
I want you.
But only because I cannot have you.
Limited
She comes to me wearing such a bold expression.
And a skirt and heels designed to break my stride.
There is temptation in her throat, eloquence in her mouth and a promise in her eyes.
There is a secret in her words, a mystery in her face, and a challenge in her walk.
She is brave and certain. And yet there is a shiver dancing electric with tingling fingers up and down her spine.
She has not decided if she wants to seduce me, secure me, save me, or serve me.
She has not yet realised how limited her options are..
And a skirt and heels designed to break my stride.
There is temptation in her throat, eloquence in her mouth and a promise in her eyes.
There is a secret in her words, a mystery in her face, and a challenge in her walk.
She is brave and certain. And yet there is a shiver dancing electric with tingling fingers up and down her spine.
She has not decided if she wants to seduce me, secure me, save me, or serve me.
She has not yet realised how limited her options are..
Never
She wears ordinary clothes like a model, and turns them into Prada.
He has never seen anyone wear a simple dress so elegantly.
Her body, resting close and delicious on the passenger seat in the bus, makes him ache.
His eyes are constantly captured by the geometry of her knees,
the wondrous sculpture of her calves and the perfect art of six inches of irresistible, stockinged thigh.
When she talks he cannot stop watching her sensual mouth, desperate to see it smile, enthralled by the movement of her lips.
He imagines taking her lovely face between his hands,
kissing her sweet forehead and breathing in the fragrance of her hair.
The sky is as blue as in a child’s story book, and the sun is newly hatched and bold with its warmth. The window of the bus is oprn. The bustling Cairo Road is glorious around them. It is a day to stretch one’s arms out to the heavens. It is a day for golden moments. It is a day for lovers.
She tells him she will never be his
He has never seen anyone wear a simple dress so elegantly.
Her body, resting close and delicious on the passenger seat in the bus, makes him ache.
His eyes are constantly captured by the geometry of her knees,
the wondrous sculpture of her calves and the perfect art of six inches of irresistible, stockinged thigh.
When she talks he cannot stop watching her sensual mouth, desperate to see it smile, enthralled by the movement of her lips.
He imagines taking her lovely face between his hands,
kissing her sweet forehead and breathing in the fragrance of her hair.
The sky is as blue as in a child’s story book, and the sun is newly hatched and bold with its warmth. The window of the bus is oprn. The bustling Cairo Road is glorious around them. It is a day to stretch one’s arms out to the heavens. It is a day for golden moments. It is a day for lovers.
She tells him she will never be his
Torn
She is torn.
Between security and thrill.
She does not realise
Both are for the taking.
She is wired
By the promise of his message.
She does not recognise
Moments are sliding past.
She is sure
Of the power of her beauty.
She does not understand
The nature of his pride.
Between security and thrill.
She does not realise
Both are for the taking.
She is wired
By the promise of his message.
She does not recognise
Moments are sliding past.
She is sure
Of the power of her beauty.
She does not understand
The nature of his pride.
Quote
The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other.
Quote from cartoonist Ashleigh Brilliant
Stare
I devour you secretly with my eyes.
I am hungry for your presence, ravenous for your beauty.
I want to take you in whole. One magnificent glorious vista, one gorgeous portrait,
one high-definition-full-resolution-never-fading screen capture for my memory.
Such divine visual food to somehow satisfy this desperate, aching desire.
To help sustain me when you are gone.
Then I want to take you piece by piece, An inch at a time. An eye, a nail, a lock of hair, the lobe of an ear….
Yet I hardly have such control. I take your lips, your mouth, your nose, the hollow of your throat, the elegant swell of your delicious breasts, a wrist, an ankle, an arm, the heavenly architecture of your thighs….
I have swallowed you whole again.
My eyes devour you like starving man, made weak by famine, who has no sight of his next meal.
I try not to stare.
She is not you.
She has your exquisite mouth, your gorgeous brown eyes, your delicious skin. She has your body, so perfect that I swear heaven had found me when I undressed her. She has your legs, sculpted, toned, elegant. She even has your sweet breasts, with nipples like rosebuds. She turns heads everywhere, just the same as you.
She smiles as you do, bewitching, enchanting, captivating.
And like you she is the only woman in any room, any place she is in. She is the brightest, most delicate, most beautiful thing. She is adorable, funny, charming. She makes me want to protect her against the world, to see that she never comes to harm.
She fell into my arms so unexpectedly and she gave herself so completely. The way you have so many times before. In my head.
But she is not you.
I believed she was. As crazy as that might seem I thought you had become flesh after all these years. I imagined you had somehow emerged from deep in my soul and become her. That you were no longer content to just be glimpsed at airports, on catwalks, or on cinema screens. That it was no longer enough for you to flit elusively through parties, appear unexpectedly in photographs, or hover at the periphery of my vision.
That your glorious, wondrous, submissive perfection, that rare, unique, heartbreaking beauty that has haunted me all my life, filled my dreams, fueled my fantasies, taunted me, tricked me, teased me, and has made such a fool of me since the beginning of time, had ceased to be a phantom. Was no longer an ideal, a paradigm, an impossible dream. That you, in this early evening of my life, would at last be my lover. Corporeal, tangible, mortal, human.
I confused her with you. I tied myself in knots. I burdened her with expectation. I frightened her with desire. I soaked her with an ocean of words. I expected too much. I made something of nothing. I tried to treat her like you.
She was never going to be mine. I have always understood that.
But somehow I destroyed our friendship. Threw away our closeness. Broke our connection. I lost a friend.
I will never forgive you for that
I hate you.
Pride
I am a proud man.
Yet pride does not necessarily make me bad, arrogant, foolish, unintelligent, insensitive or without a sense of perspective.
But it does mean that I will never allow any friend or lover to take me for granted.
And that I will walk away from the faintest scent of rejection
Yet pride does not necessarily make me bad, arrogant, foolish, unintelligent, insensitive or without a sense of perspective.
But it does mean that I will never allow any friend or lover to take me for granted.
And that I will walk away from the faintest scent of rejection
SCARS
She left a scar on my soul.
It was once angry, raw and raised.
A livid mark leaking with salty tears.
On bad days it seeped blood.
I tested it in the places we used to go.
I probed it with the music we shared,
I distressed it with my poetry.
I tortured it with memories.
Now it has healed to a pale,
indifferent, fading stain.
It is in the shape of her smile.
I wear it with the other scars.
Like a proud tattoo.
It was once angry, raw and raised.
A livid mark leaking with salty tears.
On bad days it seeped blood.
I tested it in the places we used to go.
I probed it with the music we shared,
I distressed it with my poetry.
I tortured it with memories.
Now it has healed to a pale,
indifferent, fading stain.
It is in the shape of her smile.
I wear it with the other scars.
Like a proud tattoo.
For her
She sat cross-legged and naked on the bed amongst a tangle of sheets.
Her hair was tousled, her face flushed, her body still marked with pleasure and pain.
‘I’m listening,’ she said, her voice serious.
Her eyes were closed, her back straight, her lovely lips slightly pursed. Her head tilted slightly to one side the way she always did when she concentrated. She looked like a serious school girl.
I think I adored her then, above all our other moments.
She opened her eyes and raised impatient eyebrows.
‘I’m ready,’ I said. I positioned the laptop on my bare thighs.
‘Good’ she smiled.
I read her a handful of poems.
Maybe ten. I tried to read them with the same passion, joy, sorrow, desire and love that I felt at the time of writing. At the end of each I studied her features, trying to gauge her reaction.
She was silent and utterly still, save for the slightest, barely perceptible nod requesting me to continue. Her face became sadder with every verse.
When the last line of the last piece had faded in the quiet room she began to sob soundlessly.
I took her in my arms and nestled her safe into the hollow of my shoulder. Her tears trickled over my skin.
‘Why?’ I asked her, touching her wet face and rocking her gently. ‘Were they really so bad?
She punched my chest gently.
‘No, stupid, stupid man. I love them.’
She sniffed. Her voice wavered.
‘I just wish you had written them for me.’
Her hair was tousled, her face flushed, her body still marked with pleasure and pain.
‘I’m listening,’ she said, her voice serious.
Her eyes were closed, her back straight, her lovely lips slightly pursed. Her head tilted slightly to one side the way she always did when she concentrated. She looked like a serious school girl.
I think I adored her then, above all our other moments.
She opened her eyes and raised impatient eyebrows.
‘I’m ready,’ I said. I positioned the laptop on my bare thighs.
‘Good’ she smiled.
I read her a handful of poems.
Maybe ten. I tried to read them with the same passion, joy, sorrow, desire and love that I felt at the time of writing. At the end of each I studied her features, trying to gauge her reaction.
She was silent and utterly still, save for the slightest, barely perceptible nod requesting me to continue. Her face became sadder with every verse.
When the last line of the last piece had faded in the quiet room she began to sob soundlessly.
I took her in my arms and nestled her safe into the hollow of my shoulder. Her tears trickled over my skin.
‘Why?’ I asked her, touching her wet face and rocking her gently. ‘Were they really so bad?
She punched my chest gently.
‘No, stupid, stupid man. I love them.’
She sniffed. Her voice wavered.
‘I just wish you had written them for me.’
Love
Speak to me in colors–
thus tinted are the windows to your soul.
Might that I marvel in the mystery
as it skirts ‘cross their pond.
And yet stilled are the words; they lie like copper
upon my tongue–tarnished.
For I cannot find them enough to say
“I love you.”
thus tinted are the windows to your soul.
Might that I marvel in the mystery
as it skirts ‘cross their pond.
And yet stilled are the words; they lie like copper
upon my tongue–tarnished.
For I cannot find them enough to say
“I love you.”
Poetry
The moment before the kiss
where I linger in the silence of intimacy.
Thus my eyes caress you with a delicate obsession
as I am smitten with tender anticipation;
that to want you is to need you for I live to adore you,
and yet I never knew I could love you–
Even more
where I linger in the silence of intimacy.
Thus my eyes caress you with a delicate obsession
as I am smitten with tender anticipation;
that to want you is to need you for I live to adore you,
and yet I never knew I could love you–
Even more
Absent
Absence makes-
the heart grow fonder,
mind wander and soul surrender,
the days seen so long-
and everything seems to grow wrong,
the eyes hunt for a glimpse
and you curse your bizarre whims.
Nothing to brighten the day,
when you just wish and pray…
This absence is such a pain-
and you just cry and wait in vain.
The heart aches, its just not strong enough,
to face the life so tough…
Life is so bare,
and adventure so rare
its a bright new day
and you wish to be happy and gay.
But the heart refuses-
life is not a bed of roses
once to see is all you crave
and you ask yourself to be brave
the heart is left bleeding,
and you just cant stop lamenting…
A little thought unwinds-
and you consider it in your mind,
an absurd abnormal wish,
is it possible, the absentee feels the same way???
the heart grow fonder,
mind wander and soul surrender,
the days seen so long-
and everything seems to grow wrong,
the eyes hunt for a glimpse
and you curse your bizarre whims.
Nothing to brighten the day,
when you just wish and pray…
This absence is such a pain-
and you just cry and wait in vain.
The heart aches, its just not strong enough,
to face the life so tough…
Life is so bare,
and adventure so rare
its a bright new day
and you wish to be happy and gay.
But the heart refuses-
life is not a bed of roses
once to see is all you crave
and you ask yourself to be brave
the heart is left bleeding,
and you just cant stop lamenting…
A little thought unwinds-
and you consider it in your mind,
an absurd abnormal wish,
is it possible, the absentee feels the same way???
Reason
Everything changes into the same.
People and places forgetting their names.
Once upon a time, there was a reason
Now it is a season
Of my Life.
There is a reason why I am writing, though it eludes me now. I want to express something, though I can’t name it. I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. I can only feel it… they say to feel your words. I do. Yet I can not write.
It isn’t writing block. I can write. I just don’t want to. I used to dream that my words mattered… I would write for people… those who wanted to read… even if was just me. Throw my words into the horizon and let them be found… like a guiding star… I would write because I thought that someone needed to hear my thoughts… I would write because I thought that one day someone might need them… yet now… I don’t even want them…
I do yet I don’t… I don’t because I failed them… as I failed myself… I need my words, yet I turn away… again and again and again.
There is a reason why I am writing… it is because I need to. I will write again… I need to be patient and focus on why
Monday, December 24, 2012
If I can stop one heart from breaking
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
Friday, December 14, 2012
To my unborn child
I gave you life,
but cannot live it for you.
I can give you directions,but cannot live it for you.
but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can take you to church,
but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes,
but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.
but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share,but I cannot force it upon you.
but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.
but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.
but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you about alcohol & drugs,
but I can’t say “No” for you.
but I can’t say “No” for you.
I can tell you about goals,
but I can’t achieve them for you.
but I can’t achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness,
but I can’t force you to be gracious
I can pray for you,but I can’t force you to be gracious
but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with unconditional love all of
my life… and I will,
but I cannot force you to love me the same
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
24
I am 24 years of age and i find myself questioning a lot of
things. I am definitely not where i want to be but I am making progress.
I am not where I used to be.
As I was walking to work, I found myself asking if I have learned anything in these two and a half decades I have been on this earth? Am I the wiser, now that I am older? They say wisdom comes with years. I do not know how true that is.I would think it comes more with experiences.Another saying, growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.So,yes,it is the experiences that you face that give you wisdom once you have crossed them.
I shall not blow my own trumpet and say I am wiser than anyone.I do know that life has dealt me enough tough blows and now that the scars have healed, and some still healing, I can comfortably say I am the wiser about a number of things.Whether I actually put this found to good use is another question but nevertheless, I have it.
To share just but a few of the lessons I have drawn from my life:
As I was walking to work, I found myself asking if I have learned anything in these two and a half decades I have been on this earth? Am I the wiser, now that I am older? They say wisdom comes with years. I do not know how true that is.I would think it comes more with experiences.Another saying, growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.So,yes,it is the experiences that you face that give you wisdom once you have crossed them.
I shall not blow my own trumpet and say I am wiser than anyone.I do know that life has dealt me enough tough blows and now that the scars have healed, and some still healing, I can comfortably say I am the wiser about a number of things.Whether I actually put this found to good use is another question but nevertheless, I have it.
To share just but a few of the lessons I have drawn from my life:
- It truly is never that serious.Life,follows the path you choose for it.You call the shots.
- Grudges are a waste of time.People are imperfect and thus they will disappoint you,so,lower your expectations of humans.Have it at the back of your mind that we all have a very large capacity to hurt each other and err.Once you know this,it will become easier to overlook a fault.
- Once bitten, twice shy. A very true proverb.Now,this does not mean you do not forgive,simply means,the next time you are in that are you were mugged,you tread a bit more carefully.
- Forgiveness is indeed a gift to self.Revenge never really achieves much.It never undoes what was done and neither does it make the pain go away.No one is worth the effort.
- Love is the greatest of them all.Love,love and love some more.It is easier to understand people when you love them.It does cover a multitude of sin.
- Learn the seasons of life.There are people who come to your life
for a season and a reason.You need to be careful not to hold on to
someone who’s season is over or let go of someone before their time.Of
course there are those who come into your life and they are meant to
stay forever
I guess that’s enough lessons for one day.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Do you?
do you see me with every blink?
when you turn the corner do you wish it were me on the other side?
am i in your every thought?
do you wish that blinking light had my voice behind it?
do you wish you had my undershirt on under your sweater?
can you imagine my smell?
does the thought of seeing me make your heart skip a beat?
will my kiss leave you breathless?
what do you think about in the shower?
when you open your eyes is it me you wish next to you?
do you feel alive?
do you miss me like i miss you?
when you turn the corner do you wish it were me on the other side?
am i in your every thought?
do you wish that blinking light had my voice behind it?
do you wish you had my undershirt on under your sweater?
can you imagine my smell?
does the thought of seeing me make your heart skip a beat?
will my kiss leave you breathless?
what do you think about in the shower?
when you open your eyes is it me you wish next to you?
do you feel alive?
do you miss me like i miss you?
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Surreal
Always reaching for the stars...
You miss the beauty on the ground...
Always searching for the hidden...
You lose what you’ve already found...
I’m feeling lost in the transition...
My world so altered and surreal...
A haze of change in life and dreams...
To finally see, to finally feel...
Don’t get me wrong, I love this light, you...
I wouldn’t change it for the world...
A contrast frightening and amazing...
Accepting all that has unfurled...
I find it strange to realize...
It’s hard to write without the pain...
The words get lost inside the joy...
I never thought I would obtain...
More inspired than I’ve known...
It’s taking time to readjust...
Forming new words in my heart...
While turning all the past to dust...
Drafts
some days no matter how you may try, no matter how much you want
to say, the words just don’t seem to flow as they should. and so you
abandon everything you started. drafts piling up. not good enough, not
quite right, doesn’t quite hit the mark. inspired for a moment and then
the idea is lost, like that word on the tip of your tongue, hanging in
limbo. a virtual purgatory of sweet words unpublished, ideas scribbled
while upset or shaken, thoughts of loss and recaptured love. ‘where
are you?’, ‘moonlight kiss’, ‘hot and cold’, ‘perfect flaws in perpetual
beauty’. works that are all started but not finished and may never be.
forgotten and washed away with the click of a button…
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Intimacy
Carry me to wine lips, let me taste
the essence of your fingertips,
go slow and drench my frame
upon my touch, part holy water
presences with bare beautiful.
Floor to path, chair to bed renewing
patience… hunger tending wounds
over our very first, lining the bed with
touch me slow, term my future
gently, your essence tightens
outside glass bells, cupping my alter
ego me on silk and down, fulfillment.
the essence of your fingertips,
go slow and drench my frame
upon my touch, part holy water
presences with bare beautiful.
Floor to path, chair to bed renewing
patience… hunger tending wounds
over our very first, lining the bed with
touch me slow, term my future
gently, your essence tightens
outside glass bells, cupping my alter
ego me on silk and down, fulfillment.
Walls of my making
I am hidden
Behind 100 walls of my own making.
Behind 100 walls of my own making.
I have been shown the path to my heart
Yet I always hold back
Caressing the moon on my tongue,
Bathing in sunlight, drinking haiku.
Yet I always hold back
Caressing the moon on my tongue,
Bathing in sunlight, drinking haiku.
How can I reach her summit
Unless I leave this silken cocoon?
Unless I leave this silken cocoon?
I pause…
Argue… it is only holding back,
Waiting…
Argue… it is only holding back,
Waiting…
I know, butterflies emerge from cocoons.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Her Name
In silence she waits. calmly she says,
"I am dying..."
"I do not know how long I have left."
Her smile is late, my reply I contemplate.
Confused and in shame, I can not say her name.
Her eyes are clear, they show no fear.
Riddled with muddled emotions my words seemingly attack,
"Speak clearly and explain to me what you're talking about!"
In reply,as a silent sigh...She falls to her knees and begins to cry,
"I see a life I have not lived"
"I see a world that does not give"
"I dream of gardens and beauty beyond"
"I dream of a love that may never be found"
"I have waited so long, I have been patient and strong"
"Finally I break, these walls I forsake"
Then silence...
Is she dead?
Then I heard her.Inside my head.
She is right,
As clear as the moon is tonight.
I can not say her name
I understand her pain
She is not dying, its not death
She is breathing, a different breath
She is only helpless to change
that which remains forever the same
She knows I know.
With this she lifts her head, she begins to rise... focus arrives upon her eyes.
she smiles as she begins to fade.
Breath
There are days when I feel feelings I can not understand, or simply choose not to... things I feel and think which cause me to doubt and hide within the words I create... there are times when I am so tired I wish the world would slow so I could catch up... there are moments in which I feel the weight and fall to my knees...
I write these words with no purpose...
I look not for reason, for reason has led me to hide within these words, hide within my mind...
I look not for company, for all have forgotten to ask or notice... as have I...
I look not for shelter, shelter from the glares and ridicule as they come from the shadows of my expectations...
I look not for sympathy, for who can sympathize for one when there is no reason...
Tears can not flow tonight... the well is empty, yet shallow enough to be full
Thoughts lay silent, yet flow to my heart as I read these words aloud...
These words can hurt, yet they can heal
I sit now and wait... for the words I create to bring a filling breath to my lungs...
the breath I long for. the breath I need
My Time
An angel came softly,
“Your time is coming”
Scared I whispered
“I am not ready!”
Angel questioned quietly,
“What were you waiting for?”
I thought loudly,
“I didn’t think it would be this soon.”
Interested Angel asked,
“What do you think Life is? What of destiny?”
Confused I pleaded,
“Please, I need more time”
In silence and serenity Angle spoke,
“Why shall I grant it to you? Deep inside you knew the rules. No one controls fate.”
I knew, I finally understood,
“What have I done?”
Angel sat serene, pondering my troubles,
“I mean you no sadness, only peace. Most do as you have done, they wait. For what, I know not.”
“Your time is close at hand. I grant you this one moment. For it is sad, you all hold so much”
My relief passed through into worry and grief.
Bewildered I shuddered and aked “One moment? I need more time, what is a moment?”
Bewildered Angel spoke,
“You have had this gift, and yet, still you ask more. You have had this Life, and still you need more. Always more, that is why you choose to remain? Yearn for more time? What more could you want?”
Unable to respond, I sat quietly. Then sadly I answered. “
I just want more time. Just more time.”
Angel replied,
“Time? That my friend is subjective. Now take this moment and face this moment as if you are free. Live this moment for you. For this moment will pass. It will leave you, as will I. Only when I leave, I take with me your desire for time. I will show you your desire is nothing greater than a veil, a mirage. I will not fill the void, I will let it be. So focus on Life and leave times distraction behind.”
“Your time is coming”
Scared I whispered
“I am not ready!”
Angel questioned quietly,
“What were you waiting for?”
I thought loudly,
“I didn’t think it would be this soon.”
Interested Angel asked,
“What do you think Life is? What of destiny?”
Confused I pleaded,
“Please, I need more time”
In silence and serenity Angle spoke,
“Why shall I grant it to you? Deep inside you knew the rules. No one controls fate.”
I knew, I finally understood,
“What have I done?”
Angel sat serene, pondering my troubles,
“I mean you no sadness, only peace. Most do as you have done, they wait. For what, I know not.”
“Your time is close at hand. I grant you this one moment. For it is sad, you all hold so much”
My relief passed through into worry and grief.
Bewildered I shuddered and aked “One moment? I need more time, what is a moment?”
Bewildered Angel spoke,
“You have had this gift, and yet, still you ask more. You have had this Life, and still you need more. Always more, that is why you choose to remain? Yearn for more time? What more could you want?”
Unable to respond, I sat quietly. Then sadly I answered. “
I just want more time. Just more time.”
Angel replied,
“Time? That my friend is subjective. Now take this moment and face this moment as if you are free. Live this moment for you. For this moment will pass. It will leave you, as will I. Only when I leave, I take with me your desire for time. I will show you your desire is nothing greater than a veil, a mirage. I will not fill the void, I will let it be. So focus on Life and leave times distraction behind.”
Only Questions
I sit and ponder my thoughts for hours. Trying to make sense of the senseless questioning. That is what I do. I question. I question and turn the words into poetry (if I'm lucky), sometimes an essay (if it makes sense),and sometimes nothing at all (commonly). Simply words.
Today is different. My mind is confused. I sit here unable to focus. There is a sense of sadness, melancholia, for nothing more than waiting. Waiting for the answers to the questions. And then the thought emerges, "perhaps my answers are answered". Did I think out loud? I suppose I did.
Perhaps my answers are answered, I am simply unaware of the truth, or the answers to my queries. It seems I drift to a place in my mind where the line is blurred between reality and imagination. This place we all know... it is the place from which our dreams come and then go... We watch the dreams pass by, forgetting before the meaning has a chance to resonate.
The answers are there...
The shadow of awareness divided...
"why do I try?"
"why do I hate?"
"what is the meaning of all which comes my way?"
"what is the reason to my questioning?"
"why be awake to a life with little to no meaning?"
Why indeed...
What good comes from questioning? Existence. For what have you if not the questions? It is indeed fun, the thoughts which arise are important. They cause so much in the way of life, yet they leave you wanting, waiting, for a glimpse behind the shadow of awareness.
I have always been a believer, "a knower". I know what I know... it has been a journey through and through. Be it God. Be it faith. Be it Life, Reason, Truth. It is my truth. It is... and I know. I know the purpose is to question. Ask and keep asking...and then there are times when I stop, I stop and think and question some more...
"why are there only questions?"
This time spent questioning has filled my mind with memories. I remember the first time I thought about you. I remember when I was aware of life and death. I remember thinking about my life. My dreams ambitions. As all these things began to formulate into my beliefs... into who I am. I remember. I am happy to remember. To be able to think and question with no answers. To believe in who I am and all the crazy things I believe are real... I am happy.
"why are there only questions?"
This Time, This Place
What Life did I chose?
Which path was mine to take?
What lessons were mine to learn?
Have I forgiven my mistakes?
I drift into my mind… a place I often view more as reality than Life…I drift.
I acknowledge my decisions… I acknowledge and am close to acceptance.
We all have stories,
Each Life blessed and cursed.
Each Life individual yet connected.
Each Spirit more free.
Each Soul more aware.
With each Life…there is always a purpose.
Sometimes it is not present until the end…
sometimes it is not present until generations pass…
Sometimes it is ignored…
and time passes until its purpose is remembered and embraced…
We all have stories and we are the authors…
There came a place where silence ruled
Time passed slow Light stood still.
In this place we were at home
We were boundless
We were infinite
There came a time in this place…
When we had to chose a lesson…
One we never faced before…
We had to continue learning
We had to continue to grow
In this time, in this place there came a calling for love…there came a calling for support…there came a calling to be the sacrifice…there came a calling to be more…
In this time and place there came a calling for pain… for empathy… for understanding…
Then in this place, in this time… it was time to leave… the time had come to share what we learned… to share what we know…
One day I will go home.
Take with me my story….
Remembering this time, this place
I am the author
Dear Hope & Destiny
Dear Hope and Destiny,
Waiting, as I have been. Watching, as I have been also… I sit and ponder you tonight, as I have many times over the years… it seems as if you are simply hidden from me. Is it my lot to live the same days over and over? Feel the same emotions. Envision the same dream year after year… it seems it may be that my destiny may simply be to live… and by live I mean exist. It would also seem negative or narrow… but it is my truth.
I remember when I was younger… I had hope… hope and destiny… a dream that there was something great on the horizon… one of my dreams… I remember when I was younger, do you? Perhaps one day you will…
Lately my nights have been dreamless as have been my days. I can’t write. I haven’t had the nightly inspirations which engulf me in my sleep, for sleep too has eluded me. Uninspired… I suppose.
Anyway, I stray…
It would seem my destiny and hope are on holiday… I wish you well.
Writing from where I am alive,
Hangoba
Waiting, as I have been. Watching, as I have been also… I sit and ponder you tonight, as I have many times over the years… it seems as if you are simply hidden from me. Is it my lot to live the same days over and over? Feel the same emotions. Envision the same dream year after year… it seems it may be that my destiny may simply be to live… and by live I mean exist. It would also seem negative or narrow… but it is my truth.
I remember when I was younger… I had hope… hope and destiny… a dream that there was something great on the horizon… one of my dreams… I remember when I was younger, do you? Perhaps one day you will…
Lately my nights have been dreamless as have been my days. I can’t write. I haven’t had the nightly inspirations which engulf me in my sleep, for sleep too has eluded me. Uninspired… I suppose.
Anyway, I stray…
It would seem my destiny and hope are on holiday… I wish you well.
Writing from where I am alive,
Hangoba
Waiting
It’s disconcerting how separated I have become from the stars. When once I felt them my home, my dreams. Now they shine a hollow yet beautifully radiant reminder of what I have unremembered.
What was it again..?
My mind can see heaven yet my heart has forgotten to breathe in the light. My soul reached on high… yet is it still my soul?
Is it..?
Perhaps when the time comes I shall remember. For now it seems I must wait. And yearn. A hollowing reminder. I feel its memory yet decode it I can not.
How foolish am I, for I know that waiting is the only thing time does not forgive
Final Task
I turn to find Shadows by my side
I dream of a life I had tossed and left behind
I close my eyes I hear the wind and clouds divide
~
Touching I feel
What I sensed all along was real
I dream of death...
Too generous and close to touch
~
Time lived in the past
Alone with time at last
I question times disguise
I seek answers to my demise
~
The ground is cold and calling
The sky is red and falling
~
I am alone at last
Free to breathe one last breath
~
I am alone at last
Time will part and I will rest
~
But time and shadows play
The end spoken for another day
~
Time will not remove its mask
Alone and calling for its final task
Open and listen
Memoirs
Speak softly Listen slowly
Believe truly
It will soon pass
Watch closely
As the winds weep
And the waters grieve
Upon the summers sleep
Whisper and sigh
Let your mind cry
Think upon things
Bring forth the hidden wings
Day and night
Shadows of light
Time and place
Full of wisdoms grace
For want of nothing
For need of something
For understanding and sight
Grant us the vision, be it right
With any amount time
For any amount of space
For any given moment
With every granted space every moment
every treasure every smile every pleasure
These moments are cast
Placed in the past
For all shall soon pass
But memories,
they are what last
My Angel
My Angel Are you there when I sigh?
Do you feel it when I cry?
Do you feel it when I die?
My Angel
Are you lonely for me?
Am I selfish
For questioning and neglecting you
Are you happy?
Am I?
My Angel
Do I make you smile?
Do I make you laugh?
Do you feel my heart?
Are you near my path?
I wish to be...
I wish to do...
I wish you near
For eternity...
My Angel Can you feel it?
The life which you guide.
Can you hear it?
My soul filled with pride.
My Angel I wish to see
As the blind enlightened
I wish to hear
As the deaf awakened
I wish to speak
With the voice forever silent
I wish to touch
With the purity of the mind
My Angel I'm calling you home Together, never alone
Do you hear me?
My Angel
I feel for you Do you feel me?
My Angel
when I cry for you Are you there?
My Angel
I speak to him
Only you, my angel
Have you ever abandoned me?
Or wished you were with another?
My Angel
Do you have a name?
Is it real?
What do you see when you look all around?
Life
or is it death in waiting?
What do you hear when you listen to the sounds?
Laughter
or is it perhaps your mind is crying?
What do you feel when you touch the ground?
Reality
or is it simply what you believe you’ve found?
What do your senses say they’ve found?
For now
They simply know not
Or why
It Pains you,
your desires
What do they know?
These Emotions
Are they?Or are they hallowed words and meaningless songs
What is real?
This Illusion
Is it?
Or is it as clear as the vision of the mind
What is truth?
This Reality
Is it?
Or is it the fabrication of time
Life
or is it death in waiting?
What do you hear when you listen to the sounds?
Laughter
or is it perhaps your mind is crying?
What do you feel when you touch the ground?
Reality
or is it simply what you believe you’ve found?
What do your senses say they’ve found?
For now
They simply know not
Or why
It Pains you,
your desires
What do they know?
These Emotions
Are they?Or are they hallowed words and meaningless songs
What is real?
This Illusion
Is it?
Or is it as clear as the vision of the mind
What is truth?
This Reality
Is it?
Or is it the fabrication of time
Senses
Do I need to be blind in order to see?
Do I need to be deaf in order to hear?
Numb to feel
Fear death to start living?
It would suffice to say I fear life more so than I do death…
there are so many possibilities,
so many futures which lie down so many paths
Limitations are given by choice
Boundaries offer little guidance
These are the sealed paths
Doorways within blocked walls
These are the impossible
These are the challenges of strength
These are the tests of faith
These are the roads we take
To experience
To be here
To breathe
To be anywhere
These are the gifts
These are the signals
They are the destinies
They are more alive than we will ever be
They are more free than we choose to be
Blind. Deaf. Numb. Dead
These are senses
I know not
Am I the person I thought I would be ?
Am I the person I wanted to be?
Do I practice what I preach?
Am I a prisoner to what my mind would have me believe?
When will I change?
When will I grow?
When will I reap,
All which I sow?
I simply don’t know.
I sat here thinking about my day. It was an ordinary day. Work. Family. Coworkers. Friends. Avoidance. Musings. Thoughts. Trials. Dreams. Petty petty things… I have changed… not in the way I foresaw. I have become as bitter as the cold which surrounds me… I have become as ecstatic as the sunlight that nestles me... I shall elaborate. But now I simply don’t want to. I grieve for the me I lost, the one who gave up… i simply don’t know where he went… perhaps it was denial… I will find him and ask for his forgiveness… then I shall elaborate. Perhaps I should celebrate the me I have become... pity the old me and offer him no place... perhaps only perhaps... Until then…
I simply don’t know
LOST
Where has it gone
Words ring through my ears
Forms shadow on my tears
When did it part?
Was it for choice mind?
Or the heart?
As the notion sets
The perception in focus
Distance is ageless
Time is unbiased
For now it is passed
Wait for the last
For now unremembered
What is lost
I surrendered
Words ring through my ears
Forms shadow on my tears
When did it part?
Was it for choice mind?
Or the heart?
As the notion sets
The perception in focus
Distance is ageless
Time is unbiased
For now it is passed
Wait for the last
For now unremembered
What is lost
I surrendered
Believe
Do you believe
In what seems to be
The love felt for your souls
The pain felt for yours lost
How tomorrow can come after today
How a day can span forever
A moment may exist ever or never
Do you believe
In what seems to be
Your souls completion left aside
Your souls reason passed on by
Your souls adrift
You lost your mind
Your place is missed
Perhaps left behind
Do you believe
In what seems to be
To lose a piece of your soul
Time often takes its toll
Its seems unfair that all must wait
For the time we contemplate
If we were born too late
If we have missed the date
Why do we have to wait
For our destined fate
To reveal the truth
To our soul
To see the meaning
In our mind
To believe in what seems to be
For ever
Or perhaps
just this time
Senses fail
Hiding behind their luminescent veil
Eyes gather
Their senses fail
Do you see her?
Down on her knees
Do you feel her?
While ignoring her pleas
She is here
Waiting for you
She is dying
Breathing for you
For this she waited
Your heart
Your mind
She is within you
Or are you blind
While she cried
On your minds door
While she died
On your hearts floor
Dying
Breathing
Lying
Seeing
Matter not her eyes to you
The tears fragment a broken view
Then dawn and dusk collide
Pressing time and space aside
Leaving all who wonder why
It all began
When she cried
While she died
All who waited for her
Behind the veil
All who passed judgment
Their senses failed
Then she was born
Once more
Forgiving you
Nevermore
Enough
Your thoughts echo my own…
find peace?
I don’t think everyone is meant to.
Happiness… that either…
I find comfort in sadness, many do…
it became my companion.
A constant familiar on my shoulder…
always with me as a friend…
there came a time when things got shaken up in my world,
as it tends to happen with time and seasons.
things began to change,
patience wore thin and then I had enough,
Only my sense of enough happened with me giving up,
turning my back on dreams and forgetting my purpose,
if I every truly knew what that was…
I literally gave up on it all…
and the worst part of it was,
my familiar changed also…
it changed and became a hole,
in my chest and the ache is hollow…
it takes sadness and captures it…
it brings it in…
tears fear of flowing for they know what awaits within,
so they left also…
A sad little thing that can’t even cry or be sad.
I wonder…
Making peace?
I think you will reach it first… so I leave with you the same request…
sometimes I wonder what it is I really am thinking.
sometimes I wonder what it is I really am feeling.
sometimes it just makes no sense. it makes me tired.
find peace?
I don’t think everyone is meant to.
Happiness… that either…
I find comfort in sadness, many do…
it became my companion.
A constant familiar on my shoulder…
always with me as a friend…
there came a time when things got shaken up in my world,
as it tends to happen with time and seasons.
things began to change,
patience wore thin and then I had enough,
Only my sense of enough happened with me giving up,
turning my back on dreams and forgetting my purpose,
if I every truly knew what that was…
I literally gave up on it all…
and the worst part of it was,
my familiar changed also…
it changed and became a hole,
in my chest and the ache is hollow…
it takes sadness and captures it…
it brings it in…
tears fear of flowing for they know what awaits within,
so they left also…
A sad little thing that can’t even cry or be sad.
I wonder…
Making peace?
I think you will reach it first… so I leave with you the same request…
sometimes I wonder what it is I really am thinking.
sometimes I wonder what it is I really am feeling.
sometimes it just makes no sense. it makes me tired.
Conversation with Life
To be completely honest, you must release these emotions,
They will hurt you.
Your mind is confused. Boggled are emotions.
A prisoner of the mind
“… I have no one to talk to.
No One wants me.
I betrayed them all, without their knowing.
I gave up…”
Why? We can lie until we believe.
It all catches up. Why do we lie to ourselves?
“My hurt is from other peoples’ insecurities,
They create a jail, a solitary cage.
I try to please others and all I receive in turn is a slap in the face.
I have finally become overwhelmed with the desire to reflect off other peoples’ “Poisons”.
What I am implying is simple.
People reflect inner poison.
Their unhappiness in life, hatred, jealousy, the intention of causing pain.
Well, for once I want to vent off the frustration of smiling at someone, when behind the facade is the cruelest intentions.
You dream of running,
To a strange parallel land,
not hated, not loved, Unknown.
“If only I had the courage,”
Someday You will.
I only wish you love, happiness, fellowship…not alone
Not alone
“I have been hurt, and regard people as puppets,each marionette being controlled by the others hand.
The strings being tangled in a web. And the web is full of poison.”
“Sometimes, I become so sad.
Just hearing soft words,
or now and then hearing a sweet melody.
I feel like my life is not complete.”
Come,
let me sing that sweet melody,
a melancholy tune
I can do that
Sense of Belonging
I do not belong here
Among the low of spirits and the weak of hearts
Of those whose tongues be shamed
Though I must speak of it the same
.
I do not belong here
Among the empty dreams and failed attempts
For I dream of Life and Love
A vision of peace and wonder sent from above
.
I do not belong here
though only now I realize I know
I have never felt the way my mind accepted
My heart always knew it couldn’t know
.
Though I sense so much more of where I belong
I know I have been wrong
My voice carries on meanings which have slipped passed my judgement
My mind carries on memories of the feelings
memories of the words
memories of the tears
.
I seem to have forgotten these times, though I search for meaning
I will never forget the feeling
It is of a time and setting misplaced
.
I know I do not belong here, yet I can not envision any other place
I can only sense I know another face
I belong among valor and love
I belong among the proud and virtuous
.
Let my mind speak to me and remind me why I am here
I have forgotten the purpose
And my soul waits
Let my heart speak to me and show me the reason
I feel imprisoned to a time, though not the hour which I seek
Let my soul and I complete
Be in quest of this place
the one and only of our dreams
the one of which we belong
It is interesting how we look for meaning and answers….
“why is this my life?”, “why am I the way that I am?”, “when will these thoughts and feelings make sense?”.
It is interesting how we forget the lessons we have learned along the way, as if searching for one answer is not enough, we seem to overlook it in our failed attempt to see the “big picture”. I am tired of being so selfish… I stopped writing the poem below because I can not justify my visions… whose to say where I belong? I realize that it should definitely not be me. I am persuaded by my desires. I dance with my ego and have become partner when once I was lead… A sense of belonging, perhaps one which was never meant to be…
Among the low of spirits and the weak of hearts
Of those whose tongues be shamed
Though I must speak of it the same
.
I do not belong here
Among the empty dreams and failed attempts
For I dream of Life and Love
A vision of peace and wonder sent from above
.
I do not belong here
though only now I realize I know
I have never felt the way my mind accepted
My heart always knew it couldn’t know
.
Though I sense so much more of where I belong
I know I have been wrong
My voice carries on meanings which have slipped passed my judgement
My mind carries on memories of the feelings
memories of the words
memories of the tears
.
I seem to have forgotten these times, though I search for meaning
I will never forget the feeling
It is of a time and setting misplaced
.
I know I do not belong here, yet I can not envision any other place
I can only sense I know another face
I belong among valor and love
I belong among the proud and virtuous
.
Let my mind speak to me and remind me why I am here
I have forgotten the purpose
And my soul waits
Let my heart speak to me and show me the reason
I feel imprisoned to a time, though not the hour which I seek
Let my soul and I complete
Be in quest of this place
the one and only of our dreams
the one of which we belong
It is interesting how we look for meaning and answers….
“why is this my life?”, “why am I the way that I am?”, “when will these thoughts and feelings make sense?”.
It is interesting how we forget the lessons we have learned along the way, as if searching for one answer is not enough, we seem to overlook it in our failed attempt to see the “big picture”. I am tired of being so selfish… I stopped writing the poem below because I can not justify my visions… whose to say where I belong? I realize that it should definitely not be me. I am persuaded by my desires. I dance with my ego and have become partner when once I was lead… A sense of belonging, perhaps one which was never meant to be…
Trace your name
I placed my hand against the pane,
I traced your name into the frost,
My sight lingering, lost,
What was it that I’d hoped to gain?
Together, I can’t complain
I said goodbye, I knew the cost,
The memories, all but a ghost,
I placed my hand against the pane,
Each argument retraced, inane.
I have you, all else mundane
I drew the line, you crossed, again
What was it that you hope to gain?
Each moment never strained
I hope you know just what you’d gained…
I placed my hand against the pane
And traced and spelled
the letters that contain
the doubts inside you expelled
What was it that I’d hoped to gain?
If only I had tried again
Not holding inside the words I felt...
I placed my hand against your pain
Let it go, never to remain
Shadows
They come and go
As shadows throughout the day
Disappearing at night
Except for when one shines a light
I am lighting a candle
please return
The day disappeared without notice
But I notice you’re gone
And now
in the constant darkness
I miss shadows
Lost & mingled
Close enough to see, the withering reflection.
The ripples upon the mirrored surface.
Keeping up with our expectations.
Your expectations.
Who would listen if not you.
I stopped a long time ago.
The day, the hour, I don’t quite remember. I just know that I stopped.
It was easier that way.
Easier to go with you down that road.
Was it a lie?
Only to myself.
I walked away from you, with you.
I made the choice and now I don’t know how to retrace the steps.
I don’t know how to get you back.
Penance, apologies, prayers, tears… nothing works.
Even honesty…
perhaps it was cowardice which failed us…
I don’t remember.
The truth is I truly don’t remember the reason.
I remember lying,
fighting, trying to keep you quiet.
I remember it being easier to hide you.
Every week I let a piece of you go silent.
I let you follow and in turn I let you lose your voice..
I know you are here with me, watching and silent.
I know it is your voice which is silent,
though you shout out through the words.
It is a relief that they keep coming,
for when our words and thoughts mingle and I forget which it is which is speaking it makes me sad and happy. Who was speaking? Was it you or me?
Pain, Bliss
I hate it!
how dare she leave me!
short of words,
mumbling for just one word
from my heart to break this dry white season
on the endless screen of nothingness.
worse than any lover,
she seduces me,
yes, quite like no other,
and then she just ups and offs,
just when I feel I am falling,
heedlessly,
helplessly,
in love with her
gone!
vanished!
nowhere to be found..
leaving me feeling used,
betrayed,
second grade,
how could she go!?
And you, pray tell me,
yes you, please,
we’ll keep it just between us,
is she perhaps
woo-ing you
or you?
or you?
where could she be?
just a few days ago
we were having
such a good time
in the hot afternoon sun,
then later,
by the rays of the moonlight
word after word
chapter after chapter
only to wake up early
one morning
and find myself
all alone
completely
solo
and my page,
my poor beautiful page,
like my heart,
ripped open
to reveal
a blank,
snowy
emptiness.
I’ve sat and tried to write
I really have
Even just one sentence
Without her
In the hope that
if I wrote it
And then left
She’d be so enraged
she’d come to find me
And drag me back to the page
like she used to
when we were still lovers
But no,
Not this time,
I thought she’d be livid
If I left and didn’t even once
command her by name…
I was sure
she wouldn’t handle my
withdrawal from
her ‘entraptuous’ ways…
but still
she has made no contact…
I fear I will go mad without her
That the white screen
Will become my prison..
Please I beg you
please
if she is perchance visiting you
or you
or you…
bring her close to you
hold her tight
and then
whisper in her ear
so no one else
but she can hear
these few words:
“Go back to your wordsmith he misses you so!”
Knitting Clouds
Is the time I spend writing going to mend the distance between us?
Like weaving dreams by sewing the strands of my time,
where with my thoughts I loosen the seams and knots,
then intertwine the impossible with probability.
Thus I purl as I contemplate that my mind often wanders as endlessly as the sky,
most incorrigibly daydreaming of you as I gather the yarn of my thoughts
looking to find this fool solution to the convoluted convolution
of the what’s and the wares of weaving the why.
Yet hopeless it seems to thread the needle of my dreams
I would only be the fool bigger of knot if not to try
My want of you
I am tired of chafing my heart against the want of you;
of finding words to express me,
of squeezing 26 letters to describe what I feel
Even as I sit in the solitude of my chair writing
I hear clouds of thoughts move restlessly across my mind
Sunlight bends softly through my window
and I feel truth lurking in the shadows of the light
I am voiceless in the presence of epiphany.
It climbs onto my chair trying to comfort me with regret
caressing me with the fingertips of memory
and yet there is laughter in the promise of melancholy
as it finds me cold in the solitude
Of my chair
The irony of my epiphany
is the infinity of my consciousness
that I am trapped in a constant state of awareness
Here, veiled within doubts, I am caressed this time by the intimacy of illusion.
The fleeting color of your memory,
the soft scent of its touch,
and the music of a voice which flows over me warm with memory.
as perception lies between the dream and the dreaming
that I am awake
of finding words to express me,
of squeezing 26 letters to describe what I feel
Even as I sit in the solitude of my chair writing
I hear clouds of thoughts move restlessly across my mind
Sunlight bends softly through my window
and I feel truth lurking in the shadows of the light
I am voiceless in the presence of epiphany.
It climbs onto my chair trying to comfort me with regret
caressing me with the fingertips of memory
and yet there is laughter in the promise of melancholy
as it finds me cold in the solitude
Of my chair
The irony of my epiphany
is the infinity of my consciousness
that I am trapped in a constant state of awareness
Here, veiled within doubts, I am caressed this time by the intimacy of illusion.
The fleeting color of your memory,
the soft scent of its touch,
and the music of a voice which flows over me warm with memory.
as perception lies between the dream and the dreaming
that I am awake
My Psalm
Father, my voice cries out from despair of the unknown;
my spirit trembles at the crossroads.
Words of man give no comfort to my soul,
for they are drowned out by the dissonance of my mind.
On humble knees now drops your servant,
broken and helpless;
quiet this troubled spirit,
Oh Lord; quell mine aching soul!
Grant unto me Your wisdom,
to know what it is You will;
show me, oh God!
Guide these aching feet along Your path,
for they are weary from travels unknown.
Help me, Father, for I have fallen into such despair that I dare not rise again,
lest the winds of this world sweep away my soul.
Art You not Lord and Master over all creation?
The Beginning and the End of all things?
To Thee doth my voice cry out!
For You are the Living God,
the Great I AM,
and Master of my trembling heart.
Help me, Father, to trust in You and to lean not unto my own understanding,
for this mind of flesh and bloodied heart cannot bear the weight of this burden –
hold me in Thine Everlasting Arms!
Help me to stay diligent in Thy Word,
to wait upon Your Will,
that You may raise me up, to mount up
with wings as eagles,
to let me soar above
the winds of this world.
Just as You preserved Abraham and Moses,
and all of your people,
preserve me, oh Lord;
help me to never lose sight of You!
For You art my God,
my Shield and Defender,
and I Your lowly servant;
to You I offer up my praise,
and give to You
my life.
Back to my first love
This is a place I was a while back...
Lord I'm scared
scared that if i set her free
if i let her go
then she will not
come back to me
I’m scared Lord
that if I let her go
it will be the last
i see of her
that she will be
seduced by the fruit
given to her
by a cousin of Jezebel
See, she is the best girl
i ever let into my life
she makes me laugh
she makes me see color
where normally
black or grey
is all id see
she gives me reason
to want to
wake up in the morning
go about my duties
oh,with her
i feel like
i can do
anything…..
pause.
i can
do all things
through Christ
who gives me strength.
Lord,you know what im talking about
that beautiful feeling
that loving and being loved
brings
the feeling that
you are on cloud nine
no longer walking on earth…
I hear you,Lord
But she hasn’t taken your place
I mean,
i only talk to her
first thing when i open my eyes
and the last thing
before i head to dreamland
oh and a number of times
during the day….
Prayers.
I pray Lord,
I say the grace
once every so often
I read my Bible
at least those nights
I ain’t too tired…
What?too tired to call her?
Now you know how she is
she’ll get all moody and all
you see,you understand
that’s what makes you so…..
I have substituted you with her
without knowing
i have let her
take first place
in my life
i no longer
commit my plans to you
i talk them over with her
and that’s final
i gave her my best
and give you the rest
the left overs
it was such a smooth landing
i didn’t feel it
when i hit the ground
but that’s where i am
rock bottom
i let her take the place
of you
my first love
and you are a jealous God
and now i can’t let her go
ingrained in me like a tattoo
dependent on her like a parasite
just as the moon would not shine
if the sun did not exist
i have turned her into
my idol…
yet i faithfully go to church
every Sunday
lift up my hands in worship
you say you look at the heart
mine is totally sold out
not to you
to her…
how do i get
so blinded?
where did i
lose the way?
when did my focus
shift from you
and now she needs to go
for you to come back
i gotta let her go
if you love someone
set them free
if……
i don’t want to
work with an if
i want a when
something more definite
i know i know
asking for too much
so i got to trust
that the love we have is true
but Lord
what will i do
if she doesn’t come back?
i can’t handle the pain again…
been hurt too many times
i know i got carried away
yet….
the many times
i have held things
in my hands i have lost them
but….
but…
whatever i have placed
in your hands
that has remained
i need you now
more than i need her
and i gotta let her go
and let you,God
you say
you have good plans for me in Jeremiah
plans for a hope and
a future
why can’t i trust your Word?
your Word that
has never disappointed?
have i elevated her so much
that now i even doubt you?
i know
your will works better for me
than mine ever could
you brought her my way
so if she was just for a season
why can’t i believe
you can bring another my way
one who is meant for me
if it’s not her?
I’m scared
scared of losing her
scared of not having you
a girl can be replaced
no hard feelings
but God,
there’s only one of you
it’s you or emptiness
it’s about that time
to make a choice
to choose one or the other
can’t serve both
God wait
i can incorporate you
in our relationship
we can be the strand
with three cords you know…
Honey,i love you
God knows this better than you do
but i got issues
that only she can handle
so i need space
not the kind of space where
we still talk 10times a day
and see each other
twice a week
from the daily schedule
no,i need you to go
i need to fast from you
total and complete
black out
i need God
to take her place
and i pray
and i wish upon
every shooting star
that you will come back
to me
but if you don’t
if you don’t….
i will cross that bridge
when i get to it
Lord,
you gotta take me to rehab
withdrawal symptoms
can get too hard
to control
i let her go
i let you Lord
i do this believing
you know
what’s best for me
if i had kept you first
i wouldn’t be here
in the first place
no one
nothing
will ever
take your place again
this i promise…..
Lord I'm scared
scared that if i set her free
if i let her go
then she will not
come back to me
I’m scared Lord
that if I let her go
it will be the last
i see of her
that she will be
seduced by the fruit
given to her
by a cousin of Jezebel
See, she is the best girl
i ever let into my life
she makes me laugh
she makes me see color
where normally
black or grey
is all id see
she gives me reason
to want to
wake up in the morning
go about my duties
oh,with her
i feel like
i can do
anything…..
pause.
i can
do all things
through Christ
who gives me strength.
Lord,you know what im talking about
that beautiful feeling
that loving and being loved
brings
the feeling that
you are on cloud nine
no longer walking on earth…
I hear you,Lord
But she hasn’t taken your place
I mean,
i only talk to her
first thing when i open my eyes
and the last thing
before i head to dreamland
oh and a number of times
during the day….
Prayers.
I pray Lord,
I say the grace
once every so often
I read my Bible
at least those nights
I ain’t too tired…
What?too tired to call her?
Now you know how she is
she’ll get all moody and all
you see,you understand
that’s what makes you so…..
I have substituted you with her
without knowing
i have let her
take first place
in my life
i no longer
commit my plans to you
i talk them over with her
and that’s final
i gave her my best
and give you the rest
the left overs
it was such a smooth landing
i didn’t feel it
when i hit the ground
but that’s where i am
rock bottom
i let her take the place
of you
my first love
and you are a jealous God
and now i can’t let her go
ingrained in me like a tattoo
dependent on her like a parasite
just as the moon would not shine
if the sun did not exist
i have turned her into
my idol…
yet i faithfully go to church
every Sunday
lift up my hands in worship
you say you look at the heart
mine is totally sold out
not to you
to her…
how do i get
so blinded?
where did i
lose the way?
when did my focus
shift from you
and now she needs to go
for you to come back
i gotta let her go
if you love someone
set them free
if……
i don’t want to
work with an if
i want a when
something more definite
i know i know
asking for too much
so i got to trust
that the love we have is true
but Lord
what will i do
if she doesn’t come back?
i can’t handle the pain again…
been hurt too many times
i know i got carried away
yet….
the many times
i have held things
in my hands i have lost them
but….
but…
whatever i have placed
in your hands
that has remained
i need you now
more than i need her
and i gotta let her go
and let you,God
you say
you have good plans for me in Jeremiah
plans for a hope and
a future
why can’t i trust your Word?
your Word that
has never disappointed?
have i elevated her so much
that now i even doubt you?
i know
your will works better for me
than mine ever could
you brought her my way
so if she was just for a season
why can’t i believe
you can bring another my way
one who is meant for me
if it’s not her?
I’m scared
scared of losing her
scared of not having you
a girl can be replaced
no hard feelings
but God,
there’s only one of you
it’s you or emptiness
it’s about that time
to make a choice
to choose one or the other
can’t serve both
God wait
i can incorporate you
in our relationship
we can be the strand
with three cords you know…
Honey,i love you
God knows this better than you do
but i got issues
that only she can handle
so i need space
not the kind of space where
we still talk 10times a day
and see each other
twice a week
from the daily schedule
no,i need you to go
i need to fast from you
total and complete
black out
i need God
to take her place
and i pray
and i wish upon
every shooting star
that you will come back
to me
but if you don’t
if you don’t….
i will cross that bridge
when i get to it
Lord,
you gotta take me to rehab
withdrawal symptoms
can get too hard
to control
i let her go
i let you Lord
i do this believing
you know
what’s best for me
if i had kept you first
i wouldn’t be here
in the first place
no one
nothing
will ever
take your place again
this i promise…..
Monday, October 15, 2012
Goodbye
I watch her sleep
watch the rising and falling of her chest
underneath her shirt
I reach out and stroke her face
the face I have looked upon
so long I could almost carve it out from my memory.
A tear escapes my eye as a smile, though crooked
forms across my lips.
She was once my sunshine
she was once, the answer to all my questions
my life seemed to be alive
whenever she was around
her voice was angelic
her laughter,
music to my ears…
she was the love of my life
the one who completed me
she was the joy within me
when all else was dull
she was….
not anymore
we lost our path somewhere
we both took separate routes
without even knowing
until the day we stopped to check
and we were not by each other’s side
the distance so far
our hands could not touch
no matter how far we stretched
we looked at each other
from the distance
wanting so much to get back
to the path we shared
but so much had happened
too far we had walked
the choices were quite simple
we either go back
to where we separated
or one to go
and join the other
or we simply continue on our individual paths
and hope they will yet again,
cross…
that I loved her was not in doubt
that she adored me,
well, nothing could have been more obvious
but that we were at different levels was as clear as day is
from night
or as white is from black
our goals driving us to different directions
so different that one would have been
forced to give up their dream for the other
too high a price
for anyone to pay.
and as I watched her sleep
as peaceful as a sleeping child
I knew it was over.
she would always be loved;
always be special;
maybe a forever friend,
but our journey together
had reached its destination….
watch the rising and falling of her chest
underneath her shirt
I reach out and stroke her face
the face I have looked upon
so long I could almost carve it out from my memory.
A tear escapes my eye as a smile, though crooked
forms across my lips.
She was once my sunshine
she was once, the answer to all my questions
my life seemed to be alive
whenever she was around
her voice was angelic
her laughter,
music to my ears…
she was the love of my life
the one who completed me
she was the joy within me
when all else was dull
she was….
not anymore
we lost our path somewhere
we both took separate routes
without even knowing
until the day we stopped to check
and we were not by each other’s side
the distance so far
our hands could not touch
no matter how far we stretched
we looked at each other
from the distance
wanting so much to get back
to the path we shared
but so much had happened
too far we had walked
the choices were quite simple
we either go back
to where we separated
or one to go
and join the other
or we simply continue on our individual paths
and hope they will yet again,
cross…
that I loved her was not in doubt
that she adored me,
well, nothing could have been more obvious
but that we were at different levels was as clear as day is
from night
or as white is from black
our goals driving us to different directions
so different that one would have been
forced to give up their dream for the other
too high a price
for anyone to pay.
and as I watched her sleep
as peaceful as a sleeping child
I knew it was over.
she would always be loved;
always be special;
maybe a forever friend,
but our journey together
had reached its destination….
I am done
I am done
and this time for good
I am done with wishing and hoping
I am done with dreaming and praying
don’t get me worng
God and I are tight
I am done with praying for God to touch someone else
to start what I know
He has already ordained me to start
I am done
with fearing what will happen
wondering what people will say
not sure if I will have a following
failing before I start
for the simple reason
of not being courageous
to walk the road
less travelled
I have had enough
of tearing up every day
watching a child starve
or neighbor turning against neighbor
in hatred and animosity
fueled by those charged with
the responsibility to ensure peace
I am done
being at the sidelines as my country goes up in flames
fueled by tribalism and corruption
I am done electing leaders
all they do is visit
a week to the elections
not to be seen
until the next elections
I am done
voting as a tribal block
thinking in line of
‘it’s our turn’
Leadership is not about a community
it’s about servanhood
representing the interests of the people
who believe in you
and elect you as a leader
I am done
I will wait no more
I will talk no more
I will act
or forever keep my opinions
I will stand and be counted
I will vote wisely
based on performance
and not tribal lines
I will love my neighbor
and celebrate our differences
I will pay my taxes (no promises here)
and keep away from corruption
I will lend a helping hand
not because I have too much surplus
but because I can share what I have
without being inconvinienced
I am done being passive
I will wait no longer
I will take the first step
and not care who is watching
play my part and role in society
I AM DONE TALKING!!!
and this time for good
I am done with wishing and hoping
I am done with dreaming and praying
don’t get me worng
God and I are tight
I am done with praying for God to touch someone else
to start what I know
He has already ordained me to start
I am done
with fearing what will happen
wondering what people will say
not sure if I will have a following
failing before I start
for the simple reason
of not being courageous
to walk the road
less travelled
I have had enough
of tearing up every day
watching a child starve
or neighbor turning against neighbor
in hatred and animosity
fueled by those charged with
the responsibility to ensure peace
I am done
being at the sidelines as my country goes up in flames
fueled by tribalism and corruption
I am done electing leaders
all they do is visit
a week to the elections
not to be seen
until the next elections
I am done
voting as a tribal block
thinking in line of
‘it’s our turn’
Leadership is not about a community
it’s about servanhood
representing the interests of the people
who believe in you
and elect you as a leader
I am done
I will wait no more
I will talk no more
I will act
or forever keep my opinions
I will stand and be counted
I will vote wisely
based on performance
and not tribal lines
I will love my neighbor
and celebrate our differences
I will pay my taxes (no promises here)
and keep away from corruption
I will lend a helping hand
not because I have too much surplus
but because I can share what I have
without being inconvinienced
I am done being passive
I will wait no longer
I will take the first step
and not care who is watching
play my part and role in society
I AM DONE TALKING!!!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Mother
Wordless whisper of life, I hear,
Aged and fraught, incense of a white tear
Burning forever with the might of God,
freeing my soul from all chaining fear.
The whisper recites as bird songs before the dawn,
The oldest of prayers, with God’s hand sawn,
And my heart in silence, receives the tune,
The breath that her heart beats, from the womb had drawn.
With eyes closed I know, now I remember,
The eyes I saw at birth, burning amber,
As drops of water on a thirsting tongue,
Her face and her presence sooth my maniac cries.
When sightless yet I were, I dwelled in her,
Now that I live, my heart, beats for her
At the mountain peak, my Ayats I recite,
The echoes of my longings, high ignite.
Her name on my tongue, though never spoken,
Her face from my heart has never broken,
Each morning her smile and stirs my eyes,
At night her voice a appeases my heart
Aged and fraught, incense of a white tear
Burning forever with the might of God,
freeing my soul from all chaining fear.
The whisper recites as bird songs before the dawn,
The oldest of prayers, with God’s hand sawn,
And my heart in silence, receives the tune,
The breath that her heart beats, from the womb had drawn.
With eyes closed I know, now I remember,
The eyes I saw at birth, burning amber,
As drops of water on a thirsting tongue,
Her face and her presence sooth my maniac cries.
When sightless yet I were, I dwelled in her,
Now that I live, my heart, beats for her
At the mountain peak, my Ayats I recite,
The echoes of my longings, high ignite.
Her name on my tongue, though never spoken,
Her face from my heart has never broken,
Each morning her smile and stirs my eyes,
At night her voice a appeases my heart
My Love
to have and to hold
till death do us part
when i look in your eyes
eternity is what i see
when i move a little closer
your undying love for me
today as we become one
i promise you not
heaven and earth
they belong to God
i simply couldn’t afford it
but this i do promise
to be by your side
every step of the way
to be your voice of reason
when your mind’s too clouded
to hold your hand through the tunnel
be your rock to keep you from falling
once in a while
i will be mad
i may even hurt you
by what i say or do
but always remember this
even during the storm
i love you and always will
and no matter what happens
in sickness and in health
in riches and poverty
in winter and summer
in good and bad times
in times of genius and writers block
i am yours
and i am here to stay
till death do us part
when i look in your eyes
eternity is what i see
when i move a little closer
your undying love for me
today as we become one
i promise you not
heaven and earth
they belong to God
i simply couldn’t afford it
but this i do promise
to be by your side
every step of the way
to be your voice of reason
when your mind’s too clouded
to hold your hand through the tunnel
be your rock to keep you from falling
once in a while
i will be mad
i may even hurt you
by what i say or do
but always remember this
even during the storm
i love you and always will
and no matter what happens
in sickness and in health
in riches and poverty
in winter and summer
in good and bad times
in times of genius and writers block
i am yours
and i am here to stay
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Nothing
You are nothing
but sentences in a poem
words dug out
from graves.
You are nothing
but a few lines
late in the night
that any day
will blot out.
You are nothing
but stanzas
in the dark
that
no one reads.
Tomorrow in the Sunlight
the words
will be erased
your name
will vanish
you will be
no more.
Tomorrow,
I create a new language
tomorrow,
you are
something
of the past...
but sentences in a poem
words dug out
from graves.
You are nothing
but a few lines
late in the night
that any day
will blot out.
You are nothing
but stanzas
in the dark
that
no one reads.
Tomorrow in the Sunlight
the words
will be erased
your name
will vanish
you will be
no more.
Tomorrow,
I create a new language
tomorrow,
you are
something
of the past...
Resist
I resist you
o'pen
I fear your ink
I fear the way you pour
yourself on virginal pages
I fear the contamination
of your words
I fear your sting
your poison
the venom
soaked up
by innocent brides
in white gowns...
I resist you
o' pen.
My fingers reach out
timidly
in your direction
I hold back
paralyzed by unseen
critics
I reach out to you
but the door of my heart
slams in your direction
a shutting bang
in the face
of an outsider
of a foreigner
a door to door
merchant
of words...
I resist you
o' pen
I resist myself
in the battle of wills
will you or I
win ?
o'pen
I fear your ink
I fear the way you pour
yourself on virginal pages
I fear the contamination
of your words
I fear your sting
your poison
the venom
soaked up
by innocent brides
in white gowns...
I resist you
o' pen.
My fingers reach out
timidly
in your direction
I hold back
paralyzed by unseen
critics
I reach out to you
but the door of my heart
slams in your direction
a shutting bang
in the face
of an outsider
of a foreigner
a door to door
merchant
of words...
I resist you
o' pen
I resist myself
in the battle of wills
will you or I
win ?
Beauty
Can you hear beauty?
Listening to you laugh.
That's hearing beauty.
*
the first time I saw
your eyes, your dark brown eyes, I
fell into beauty.
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