Back to my first love

This is a place I was a while back...

Lord I'm scared
scared that if i set her free
if i let her go
then she will not
come back to me

I’m scared Lord
that if I let her go
it will be the last
i see of her
that she will be
seduced by the fruit
given to her
by a cousin of Jezebel

See, she is the best girl
i ever let into my life
she makes me laugh
she makes me see color
where normally
black or grey
is all id see
she gives me reason
to want to
wake up in the morning
go about my duties
oh,with her
i feel like
i can do
anything…..

pause.
i can
do all things
through Christ
who gives me strength.

Lord,you know what im talking about
that beautiful feeling
that loving and being loved
brings
the feeling that
you are on cloud nine
no longer walking on earth…

I hear you,Lord
But she hasn’t taken your place
I mean,
i only talk to her
first thing when i open my eyes
and the last thing
before i head to dreamland
oh and a number of times
during the day….

Prayers.
I pray Lord,
I say the grace
once every so often
I read my Bible
at least those nights
I ain’t too tired…
What?too tired to call her?
Now you know how she is
she’ll get all moody and all
you see,you understand
that’s what makes you so…..

I have substituted you with her
without knowing
i have let her
take first place
in my life
i no longer
commit my plans to you
i talk them over with her
and that’s final
i gave her my best
and give you the rest
the left overs
it was such a smooth landing
i didn’t feel it
when i hit the ground
but that’s where i am
rock bottom
i let her take the place
of you
my first love
and you are a jealous God
and now i can’t let her go
ingrained in me like a tattoo
dependent on her like a parasite
just as the moon would not shine
if the sun did not exist
i have turned her into
my idol…

yet i faithfully go to church
every Sunday
lift up my hands in worship
you say you look at the heart
mine is totally sold out
not to you
to her…

how do i get
so blinded?
where did i
lose the way?
when did my focus
shift from you
and now she needs to go
for you to come back
i gotta let her go
if you love someone
set them free
if……
i don’t want to
work with an if
i want a when
something more definite

i know i know
asking for too much
so i got to trust
that the love we have is true
but Lord
what will i do
if she doesn’t come back?
i can’t handle the pain again…
been hurt too many times
i know i got carried away
yet….
the many times
i have held things
in my hands i have lost them
but….
but…
whatever i have placed
in your hands
that has remained

i need you now
more than i need her
and i gotta let her go
and let you,God
you say
you have good plans for me in Jeremiah
plans for a hope and
a future
why can’t i trust your Word?
your Word that
has never disappointed?
have i elevated her so much
that now i even doubt you?

i know
your will works better for me
than mine ever could
you brought her my way
so if she was just for a season
why can’t i believe
you can bring another my way
one who is meant for me
if it’s not her?

I’m scared
scared of losing her
scared of not having you
a girl can be replaced
no hard feelings
but God,
there’s only one of you
it’s you or emptiness
it’s about that time
to make a choice
to choose one or the other
can’t serve both

God wait
i can incorporate you
in our relationship
we can be the strand
with three cords you know…

Honey,i love you
God knows this better than you do
but i got issues
that only she can handle
so i need space
not the kind of space where
we still talk 10times a day
and see each other
twice a week
from the daily schedule
no,i need you to go
i need to fast from you
total and complete
black out
i need God
to take her place
and i pray
and i wish  upon
every shooting star
that you will come back
to me
but if you don’t
if you don’t….
i will cross that bridge
when i get to it

Lord,
you gotta take me to rehab
withdrawal symptoms
can get too hard
to control
i let her go
i let you Lord
i do this believing
you know
what’s best for me

if i had kept you first
i wouldn’t be here
in the first place
no one
nothing
will ever
take your place again
this i promise…..